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All I Need to Know About Life I Learned From…

plan9main_original

” How many of you know the horror, the terror I will now reveal to you?

For many years I have told you the almost unbelievable, related the unreal and showed it to be more than fact. Now I tell you a tale of the future for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable.  That is why you are here. And now I will relate to you … the wisdom, the life lessons. My friends we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Can your hearts stand the shocking truisms from… Plan 9 From Outer Space!

  • Death isn’t an enemy, it’s a proud brother.
  • Future events will effect you in the future.
  • I’m afraid of the dead because they don’t think.
  • There are two types of flying saucers: the kind from up there and their counterparts.
  • Modern women have been that way all through the ages.
  • Earth people have stupid minds.
  • If I pass a stranger during the night, he might be from outer space.
  • Visits indicate visitors.
  • Chiropractors make good stand-ins.
  • There comes a time in each man’s life when he can’t even believe his own eyes.
  • First there’s a bomb, then, a larger bomb.
  • Space women are for advancing the race not fighting in man’s battles – yet take them with you on missions anyway.
  • Murder is someone’s responsibility.
  • Pillows are good substitutes for husbands.
  • The most fantastic part of a story is the true part.
  • Don’t laugh at the horseless carriage, the aeroplane, radio, vitamins, television or outer space.
  • Guns are good for shooting and scratching.
  • The saucers are up there and the cemetery’s out there.
  • As long as humans can think, aliens will have problems.
  • The best evidence of alien life is a zombie invasion.
  • We are all interested in the future for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

My friends, you have read these truisms based on sworn testimony. Can you prove they aren’t worth living by?  Can you supply other things you have learned from Ed Woods’ masterpiece?

God help us in the future…

 

 

 

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All I Need To Know About Life, I Learned From…

Tick_Logo

“Who is The Tick?” You ask. A superhero created by Ben Edlund in 1986 as a mascot for  a Boston Store chain, New England Comics, The Tick is a wacky, ardent superhero with the powers of “nigh-invulnerability”, superhuman strength and “drama power”.  With the help of his long suffering moth costume-donning sidekick, Arthur, the Tick stops at nothing to save The City from the forces of evil. A hilarious cartoon series debuted in 1994 (to which I was introduced to the character), then a short-lived live action series debuted in 2001.

The franchise is known for it’s absurdist spoofing of superhero tropes and for the Tick’s over the top personality through which he would give the day’s moral delivered in a hammy manner. Throughout the weeks, I’ve rewatched the entire cartoon series on YouTube and wrote down all of the “Tickisms” that struck my fancy and that we must remember in our day to day lives. So, without further ado, here are some of the best words of wisdom courtesy of the Tick:

  • Don’t eat crackers in the bed of your future! You’ll get all scratchy.
  • It’s your destiny! Hug it!
  • Beware the other head of science. It bites!
  • Don’t count your weasels before they pop.
  • Don’t touch the “Don’t” button.
  • You can’t judge a book by its cover. Except the Lava Man book of course.
  • Eating kittens is just plain wrong and no one should do it ever!
  • When evil is afoot and you don’t have any arms, you gotta use your head.
  • You can lay an egg and still feel like a man.
  • READ A BOOK!!!
  • Falling in love with a supervillain is trouble with a capital troub!
  • Crime has a Bossa Nova beat.
  • Lint is the fastest stuff in the universe (yes that lint).
  • Love is thicker than most bodily membranes.
  • In love there’s a right way and a wrong way to do things: the right way is to take someone to a movie. The wrong way is to take someone from a movie.
  • You can’t trust everything you read, especially in history books you get from gas stations.
  • In the future, one out of every six people will be Abraham Lincoln.
  • It’s OK to start thinking.
  • A lost wallet could bite you in half.
  • A bar of soap could save your life.
  • A disgusting mound of muck might have some very compelling ideas.
  • Not everyone can know everything. Some people don’t know anything. I myself don’t know much, but I do know this: uh…the thing I just said.
  • Evil comes in many forms, whether it be a man-eating cow or Josef Stalin.
  • Your not going crazy, your going sane in a crazy world!
  • Don’t ever try to swim against the mighty tide of justice!
  • Honk if you love justice!
  • The boots of evil were made for walking.
  • Man was not meant to tamper with the four basic food groups.
  • Clowning and anarchy don’t mix.
  • You can’t fight crime with a macaroni duck.
  • Nature is one call you can’t put on hold.
  • Evil is never in fashion.

SSSSPPPPPPOOOOONNNN!!!!!

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